Frequently, I
am asked “What is the key to successful co-parenting after divorce?” While
there is no simple answer to that, I believe most professionals will agree the
smartest strategy is learning how to remove anger, hostility or vindictiveness
from your interactions with your former spouse.
We all know
that’s not always easy to do. However, the benefits you derive will more than
make up for the sense of satisfaction or ego gratification you get when you
hold on to those damaging emotions.
If you’re
intent on creating a child-centered divorce that strives for harmony between
you and your ex, you need to initiate the conversation and model win-win
solutions. If your ex doesn't want to cooperate, that’s when your patience will
certainly be tested. Look for opportunities to clarify why working together as
co-parents as often as possible will create far better outcomes for your
children. Over time hopefully your ex will see how much more peaceful the
family interactions become when you’re not focused on “winning” or butting
heads.
In some cases,
this just won’t work. If your former spouse is totally hostile and
unapproachable, you may have to work on your acceptance skills. You’ll likely
have to let go of the idea that child-centered parenting will occur. At this
point, the needs and protection of your children must take precedence over trying
to engage your ex.
Sometimes it
may be necessary for you to keep the other parent at a distance for the
well-being of your children. In other
cases it might be your ex who is trying to create the distance from you. These
challenges are not easy to resolve, but are certainly worth the effort.
If your
extended family is excluded by the unenlightened parent, there are ways to try
to work around the situation. If visits have been deterred, encourage your
family members to express their love and attention through alternative means:
telephone calls, emails, social networking chats, letters and other creative
resources. The key is not to give up. Continue with any means of communication
until the family gains access to the children, even if it is a considerable
time in the future.
There are no
magic solutions when one spouse is out to spite or hurt the other through the
children. But behaving in the same hurtful way is rarely a viable solution.
Focus your energies on discussing the well-being of your children in the short-
and long-term. Demonstrate patience and determination while containing feelings
of anger and ill will. Should your case need legal action to be resolved, your
mature parental behavior will be regarded positively when you’re trying to make
your case in court. If for no other reason, consider the judge’s perspective
before you take actions that will reap undesirable consequences.
Don’t hesitate
to consult professional counselors, mediators, clergy or others who can provide
objective guidance on how to restore or create harmony for the sake of your
children. Often they can offer perspectives you had not thought of or wanted to
consider which can lead to new options for all concerned. The more open and
flexible you are, the better the possibility of turning a difficult situation
into a more cooperative one. Remember, your goal is always what’s in the best
interest of your children – even when it’s not the ideal choice for you. When
your children are at peace, everyone wins.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is
the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A
Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more
information about the book, her free articles, ezine and other valuable
resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2008
All rights reserved.
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