Today's post is not divorce related but fits with the collaborative divorce process.
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I
was sitting at the park one day with a friend of mine when we started
talking about family. He asked me how many brothers and sisters I had
and I said 2. I always say 2, even though my sister died when we were
young. To
say one make me feel like I'm not acknowledging her existence.
Then he asked me where they lived and I said, "My brother lives
in Chicago but
my sister died when we were young." So he started asking a bunch of questions
about it and I started getting a bit upset, which I always do. Not upset in a
dwelling type of way, more just overwhelmed with her presence because I feel it
so deeply whenever I think of her.
Anyway, after he fed his curiosity he said this, "Well, do you
even remember her? How much could you really remember her anyway at that age?" I was really
taken back. Where did that come from? I began to explain it but then stopped
and realized if I needed to explain it, he wasn't going to get it. I just let
it go.
However, later that day we were hanging out with my family and it just
so happened that a couple of my cousins were playing near us. They were just
about the ages my sister and I were when she died, 9 and 6. So, I said to my
friend, "Do you think "Timmy" would remember anything about "Sally" if she died
today?" He said "Oh, wow, I guess you're right. I'm sorry."
Then, just recently I was talking to someone about some things
that were going on in my life, one thing she just doesn't understand and one she
is passionate about herself. There was a huge distinction between how she
listened and gave feedback on the two issues. When I was talking about one
issue it was all she could do to look at me. On the other, she was all fired up
and encouraging me like crazy. But, I'll tell you, the only thing that came
through was judgment. The judgment was "Look Mel, one of these things matter to
me and other doesn't." Well, the truth was that the one that mattered more to
me was not the one she judged to be worthy of discussion.
So, here's the lesson I was reminded of. When someone comes to
me to share a win or a goal or a story, the least effective thing I can do is
let how I feel about IT play into the conversation. What needs to be considered
is how I feel about the person talking. Do I love that person? Do I care about
that person? If so, then what they say should have very little impact on my
response. I may "think" it's stupid, irrational, a waste of their time, boring or
any number of things but if I am truly holding the space for them to work
something out, my beliefs about good or bad or right or wrong are totally
irrelevant. My mind was not asked to solve the problem or pass judgment.
Rather, that person was counting on my love for her to be able to hold the space.
A couple of days later I was given the chance to practice myself. One
of my girlfriends called me to talk about her miserable job. Normally
this is a
topic that gets me pretty emotional because I care about this friend
very much
and I hate seeing how much this job |
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has sucked the life out of her for
the past 5 years. She told me about her boss and how he treated her on
a certain project.
She was noticeably upset. But, this time,
instead of trying to solve the problem for her and pointing out that
she could at least step out and explore some other options, I just
held the space for her to talk and vent. I shut off my mind and was
present to
her. It was one of the best "conversations" we had in a while.
When we meet new people or talk to old friends, assuming
compassion is always a good way to go.
It seems that life is so busy that many of us move mechanically through
our life, talking when we don't need to talk, moving when we don't need
to move. We go through the motions and lose sight of the fact that each
of us is a unique interplay of thoughts, emotions, beliefs and
contracts. Half the time if we would just be silent for a moment and
remind ourselves of the love we feel for another person, just because
of the simple fact that we are all connected in some way, we would
choose our words and actions differently.
We are really good at being ourselves
but we have no idea what it is like to live in someone else's shoes. So, whenever someone starts
opening up to me I know it's time to let go of my mind and simply Be.
Melani Ward is a spiritual coach and teacher who holds the space for people to get past the
negative and faulty stories they tell themselves so they can have the freedom
and lifestyle they crave. www.ChangingYourStoryBlog.com.
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