This is a
tough and controversial subject. There are no right or wrong answers, nor are
there any simplistic black and white solutions. I am sharing my own
perspective, based on my own life experiences. I welcome you to contribute your
own perspective as long as you are respectful of the rights of others to see
the world in a different light.
I am the
author of a new book about parenting and divorce. I also grew up in a family
that stayed together for the sake of the kids, so I have a good perspective on
both sides of this topic. Obviously neither option is one any family would
choose – they both create pain and hurt.
However,
I am opting in on the side of divorce as preferable to years of living in a
home where parents fight, disrespect one another and children grow up
surrounded by sadness and anger. That’s the world I grew up in and the scars
are still with me today, many decades later. Dr. Phil often says, “I’d rather
come from a dysfunctional family than be in one.” I firmly believe he’s right.
Staying
in a marriage only for the kids is a physical choice that doesn’t touch upon
the emotional and psychological pain children endure when their parents are a
couple in name only. There is no positive role model of how marriage can and
should be lived. Happiness, harmony, collaboration, respect and joy are all
absent when parents are emotionally divorced while still living together.
Children feel it, are confused by it, often blame themselves, are usually
guilt-ridden and experience little peace in childhood.
That’s
why I chose the other route when my marriage was failing. However, I
intuitively understood what not to do in divorce. I consciously created what I
call a child-centered divorce, co-parented with my former husband, shared
custody and maintained a positive relationship with my ex for the decade to
follow. Most gratifying for me is the satisfaction of my now adult son writing
the introduction to my new book, acknowledging the merits of my philosophy and
behavior.
How Do
I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing
Your Children – with Love! provides an innovative new way to have the dreaded “divorce” talk. What
makes the book unique is that I don’t just tell parents what to say. I say
it for them! I use fill-in-the-blank age-appropriate templates to show
parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a
successful way to break the news to their children.
Therapists,
attorneys, mediators, educators and other professionals from around the U.S.
and beyond have been endorsing the book and the value of my novel approach to
this subject. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well.
My purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples so they will
stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that first crucial
conversation with their children. I provide six essential messages every child
needs to hear and understand when divorce or separation are pending. I also
advise parents, for the sake of their kids, to choose to create a
“child-centered divorce” and highlight all the short- and long-term advantages
in the months, years and decades to come.
If
parents have the maturity and determination to re-connect, get professional
assistance and stay together in a renewed commitment to marriage, that would
absolutely be ideal. The entire family will benefit and the healing will be a
blessing. However, if children are being raised in a war zone or in the silence
and apathy of sleep-walking through a dead marriage, divorce may open the door
to a healthier, happier future for all concerned. But only – and this is the
key point -- only
if parents consciously work on creating a harmonious, collaborative
child-centered divorce that puts the children’s emotional and psychological
needs first!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar
facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about
the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with
Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to
her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
