DIY Divorce in Florida

Leading Causes of Divorce

Through the years I've seen many divorcing couples at the end of their marriages. At first I wondered how they got to the point of divorce. After observing divorcing couples for more than two decades now, I have noticed some common characteristics of divorcing couples which leads me to believe that these are the leading causes of divorce:

1. Not keeping the lines of communication open. Good communication requires both the ability to express and listen. Communication skills can be learned. 

2. Thinking that your disagreements will resolve themselves. Deal with your disagreements when they arise or you are likely to havbe some variartion on the same argument for the next fifty years.

3. Making assumptions. This is closely related to communication skills. Do not just assume you know how your partner feels or how s/he would react.

4. Not expressing gratitude. Tell your partner something that you appreciate about her/him on a daily basis.

5. Treating your partner as your enemy. This is serious. Your partner shouldn't EVER feel like your enemy. If there's so much anger that you feel like you are enemies, get help as soon as possible.

6. Blaming your partner for your feelings. You are responsible for your own feelings. Remember that you have the power to change your thinking and your behavior. You don;t have to stay stuck in negative patterns.

Divorce is serious business. If you don't want to fall prey to the leading causes of divorce, pay attention to the warning signals and take action. Don't let discontent fester or you may head to divorce court too.

If you are already seeing the signs for any of these leading causes of divorce, consider a counselor, coach or therapist. Communication is key. If you can master good communication skills, you can save your marriage.

If there isn't money in your budget for on-going individual help, you might want to try a special e-book that some of my counselor and therapist friends put together. All of them have tons of experience helping people save their marriages. They understand that perceptions about your partner are the key to sving your marriage. Their book, Save the Marriage, is a good deal and really does help people who want to save their marriage from the leading causes of divorce.

How to Negotiate When You Have Lost Trust

Negotiate - it can be difficult to do when you don't like or trust the other person. When we are in work place situations however, it seems like it is easier to put aside our feelings and get the work done. I recently saw a slide show on this topic and it got me thinking about how it applies in divorce. It's tough to negotiate when you do not trust the other person.

Here are the Top 5 Tips that also apply when you negotiate with someone you do not trust:

1. Keep Emotions to Yourself - do not share your distrust or upset. You need to process your emotions but this is not the time.

2. Avoid Gossip - while it tarnishes your reputation in the workplace, gossip about your ex has bad effects on your children so do  not do it.

3. Pick up the mirror - because the problem starts with both of you. There is not spouse who gets 100% of the blame while the other gets off 100%. Take your share of the responsibility.

4. Draw a bright line - do not allow yourself to be bullied or abused.

5. Detach emotionally - because you are moving into a co-parenting business relationship.

It is not easy to put aside your emotions when you have been betrayed, but in order to successully negotiate, you need to try it. While you may not be perfect at it, keep practicing and it will get easier.

If you need some help detaching from your old behaviors and emotions, join us for the Divorced Parent Telesummit. Our free speaker series helps you be calm, confident and wise as you provide a sense of peace and security to your children.

Over the course of talking to our expert speakers, we discovered some common themes. If you would like to get the Words of Wisdom from the previous Divorced Parent Telesummit, visit www.divorcedparenttelesummit.com and we will send you the excerpts and enroll you in the next speaker series.

 

5 Reasons Your Florida Divorce Negotiations Go Wrong

Negotiating on your own can be tricky. After all, if the two of you were "on the same page" you may not  be in divorce court, right? Here are the top 5 reasons that pro se divorce negotiations go wrong:

1. You are at different emotional stages in the divorce process. Just like the stages of grieving, you will go through (and bounce between) different stages of grief in the divorce process. This is true even if you are the one filing for divorce.
2. Fear. One or both of you will confront fear during the divorce process. The most prominent fear that I've seen is the fear of financial insecurity. When you are in a state of fear, your brain chemistry changes. This makes rational negotiation difficult.
3. Desire to inflict blame or retribution. We can't help it. We're programed to blame someone or something when things go different from how we expected. In no-fault divorce states like Florida, the legal system does not place blame or exact retribution on the "offending" spouse.
4. Feelings and emotions get in the way. In the same way that fear impacts our brain chemistry, emotions also affect our ability to negotiate. Emotions are not good or bad; they just are. Until you can work through your hurt and/or anger, the likelihood of successful negotiations are slim.
5. Different negotiation styles. Personality traits, tolerance for taking risks, and familiarity with the topic all influence how we negotiate. When each spouse has different levels of these factors, offers are viewed with suspicion. We tend to automatically default to the "no" position.

Collaborative divorce lawyers and mediators are trained to consider all these factors (and more). So if negotiations on your own break down, it may be time to take a step back and work with a third party to assess the situation. And take heart, the vast majority of divorces settle without a trial.

7 Ways Creative Thinking Can Help Your Florida Divorce

Reaching a divorce settlement can be tricky. There are times when it seems there is only one possible solution - and it is an unacceptable solution for both spouses. And you get stuck. No leads.  No options.  No solutions. 

Did it feel like you had exhausted all possible options and yet are still before the mountain – large, unconquerable, and impregnable? When encountering such enormous problems, you may feel like you're hammering against a steel mountain. The pressure of having to solve such a problem may be overwhelming. But there might be some hope yet!

With some creative problem-solving techniques you may be able to look at the issue in a different light. And that light might just be the end of the tunnel that leads to possible solutions.

First of all, in the light of creative problem-solving, you must be open-minded and realize that there may be more than just one solution to the issue. And, you must be open to the fact that there may be solutions to problems you thought were unsolvable.

Here are 7 ways that creative thinking can help your Florida divorce negotiations:

Number one: maybe the reason you cannot solve the issue is that you have not taken a hard look at what the real issue is. Here, trying to understanding your underlying interest is integral solving the problem. Is it really about the timesharing schedule or is it about staying connected to your children? If you can reach the real interest behind the "problem," you have a better foundation towards solving it.

Number two: take note of all of the constraints and assumptions you have about the issue. Sometimes it is these assumptions that obstruct our view of possible solutions. This is an emotional process as much as it is a legal one. You have to identify which assumptions are valid, and which assumptions need to be addressed.

Number three: try to solve the problem in steps. Solve it going from general view towards the more detailed parts of the problem. This is called the top-down approach. Write down the issue, and then come up with a one-sentence solution. The solution should be a general statement of what will solve the problem. From here you can develop the solution further, and increase its complexity little by little.

Number four: although critical thinking is helpful, you must also keep a creative thinker in the back of your head. When someone comes up with a prospective solution, try to think how you could make that solution work. Try to be creative. At the same time, look for chinks in the armor of that solution.

Number five: it pays to remember that there may be more than just one solution being developed at one time. Try to keep track of all the solutions and their developments. Remember, there may be more than just one solution to the problem.

Number six: remember that old adage," two heads are better than one." That one is truer than it sounds. Always be open to new ideas. You can only benefit from listening to all the ideas each spouse has. Really listen to your spouse's proposal so you can consider the real interest he or she is talking about in the proposed solution. It may help you come up with additional ideas about how to meet that interest.

Number seven: be patient. As long as you persevere, there is always a chance that a solution will present itself. Remember that no one was able to create any invention the first time around. When countries are at war, peace talks take months, even years. These issues were not created yesterday. They've been simmering on the marital stove for months or years and will take time to solve.

So, next time you think that you and your spouse cannot negotiate a settlement, think again. The solution might just be staring you right in the face. All it takes is just a little creative thinking, some planning, and a bit of work to figure out what the real issue is.

My DIY Divorce Crash Course helps you avoid parenting mistakes and costly financial mistakes as you negotiate your own Florida divorce. It contains everything you need - from advice on how to tell the kids to the new florida alimony laws to all the necessary court forms. The Crash Course also includes the comprehensive Florida Parenting Plan. Save time and get all your Florida DIY Divorce information in one place - my Crash Course on FLorida Divorce.

Can The Judge Rewrite Your Settlement Agreement?

 
When you settle a divorce or paternity case, you think it is all wrapped up, right? The agreement is signed, sealed and delivered to the other side. But when you get to the final hearing, the judge has some questions about you calculated child support (or why you waived it). And you think, "Hey, wait a minute, we agreed to these terms."

Here's the thing though - judges must review all the child-related provisions to be sure that your agreement is in the best interest of your children. That's right. The judge MUST ask those questions. That's because:

1. The child support guidelines provide the minimum support children require. (Yeah we can complain about a bad formula, but not today).

2. Florida law presumes that it is in children's best interest to have regular, on-going contact with both parents.

If your agreement doesn't have child support that is calculated within 5% of the child support guidelines, the court has to make special findings in the final judgment. That means you will need to explain why the amount you agreed to is in the best interest of your kids. And if your parenting plan does not provide regular contact with both parents, you will need to explain that too. 

It is the judge's responsibility to be sure that your agreement and parenting plan fall within the law or, if they don't, that your agreement still serves the best interest of your children. Keep this in mind when negotiating a marital settlement agreement.

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